Real Talk

Filed in Relationships by on June 23, 2010 0 Comments

I hope the blog is as enjoyable for you, as it is for me writing it. I know I don’t have a lot of followers yet, but I know there are people out there reading it, and I hope I’m able to provide a bit of insight as to how to “wiggle” through it all and come out better on the other side.

It’s great when my friends and acquaintances give me something to write about. Addressing real world experiences is the way dig into any issue, as opposed creating a theory and making it subject to one’s thought process. Let me explain why I brought this up:

When we talk about relationships and having a relationship of any depth which has risen to “marital status,” inevitably there will be talk of moving in together. I did it and I know more people who have lived with someone than haven’t, so at this point to say it’s acceptable in society would be an understatement.

I’m not going too deep into my experience in this article about my situation when I lived with someone, but I expound on it in the book. Needless to say, it’s something I will never forget. I thought it was the right thing to do, no one could make me understand why this didn’t make sense, and most importantly of all, it made sense to me. In my mind, moving in=finding out if our relationship would work long term. Point blank, period (to quote T.I.). Anything else was out of the question. Needless to say, I was 0 for 2 in both of those instances, and living together caused more harm than good. Enough about my situation, let’s talk about another relevant situation.

A friend was explaining to me that she lived with her longtime b/f. Everything was copacetic initially, as he was living with roommates prior to moving in with her. Keep that in mind…he moved in with her. Important point which I will address later. He moves in under the premise this is temporary, and he is looking for his own place. They live together, but she had the ‘impression’ he was looking to find a place of his own. After a bit, she could tell he wasn’t interested in looking for another spot and was fine with staying with her. I don’t think she had a problem with it either, from our conversation. Fast forward to the point where she recognizes he’s not contributing to the bills and that needs to change. He does start contributing, but he doesn’t contribute a fair amount. Well, that changes also, as they have a discussion about things and he starts to pay half of the bills. At some point later, they have a pretty intense argument, but they make up. My friend, the woman in the story, leaves town on a trip. She returns to find he has packed up and moved out. Basically, he didn’t want a confrontation, didn’t want to continue paying for the place, so he moved without telling her. They broke up, and as you can guess, she took him back and let him move in AGAIN! Some might say this is drama, but I hear this kind of story daily, and they all end the same…She realized it was HER house (remember he moved into HER spot), and finally it came to a boil and she put him out one night in the wee hours of the morning.

Real talk, yall…men go into ‘live-in relationships’ with a “let’s see what happens” attitude. Women go into these relationships assuming and EXPECTING to get married and live happily ever after, once everything is in a place where that is feasible. The biggest problem is we rarely communicate our expectations out of living together. The conversation usually goes like: “Babe, I love you, and I think we should move in together.” It’s a one sentence conversation for a life-altering decision! I don’t even believe the woman says yes verbally most of the time. She’s so starry eyed that her time and attention means something to the person she loves it’s like “where is the moving truck…let’s do this!!!”

Ladies, we have to communicate. If you are good enough to live with a man, why are you not good enough for him to marry you? Why not say, “Ok, we can live together, let’s get married first.” Don’t accept anything other than YES for an answer. When you live together, you’re playing married anyway. The problem is, there is no real commitment. Someone tried to explain it to me, but I was too stupid to understand. It took revelation, study and wisdom to understand that any man who loves you enough to share your bed should love you more than enough to marry you before he wants to spend every evening in it. Stop accepting spending time as a substitute for spending a lifetime.

Fellas, I made it a point to say he moved into HER house. The reason is women feel possessive about their heart and their lives and when you break her heart, you will feel her wrath. Moving into a woman’s house that you are not marrying is playing with fire. Maybe you won’t get burned if you touch a hot stove, but is it worth trying it to see? If you don’t want to find the sidewalk full of your clothes and belongings like the example in my book, or put out at 2 in the morning, like this example, don’t move in with a woman until you say ‘I Do’ for life.

Finally, it’s so easy to walk away from a non-committed relationship. Mortgages, car payments, benefits, all of that stuff can be replaced. Also, it’s not living under the blessing of the covenant between you and God. Divorce will continue to happen, but it’s a much more thought out decision, as many lives are changed when there is true commitment. Choose to try it the right way, the way it was supposed to be, and you will find that real love, and real commitment walk hand in hand. Real talk.

About the Author ()

Jay Hurt is the author of The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship-for Singles. Personal experience, a liberation through faith and an appreciation for his perspective led Jay to share his insight on relationships. Dealing with challenging topics by confronting them with faith and common sense, Jay aspires to share wisdom to help others become fulfilled and blessed in their relationships. Jay lives in Nashville, TN and has two daughters, Kristina and Jalen.

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