Rejection: A Positive Change in Direction

Filed in Relationships by on November 19, 2013 0 Comments

Recently, I was discussing a situation with a client where he is in turmoil with his wife and family.  He got married a few years ago and he already had a daughter from a previous relationship which he brought to the marriage.  At some point, communication and trust broke down within the relationship.  Not long after, he left the home.  Now he wants his wife and family back.  Throughout our coaching sessions, we discussed where he saw the challenges in the relationship and if he felt they could overcome them.  He felt like they could be overcome, but she had to be willing.  He was willing to say and do whatever his wife wanted for them to reconcile.  Ultimately, his assessment was he needed to do more for her and talk less about what he was going to do.

He followed through on what he said, but here’s where the story takes a turn:  No matter what he did, she wasn’t feeling it.  It didn’t matter that he did things promptly, efficiently, out of his heart and not feeling compelled, none of that changed her mind.  She was past the point of no return.  There’s a message in this and it’s not a negative one.

Rejection is Often God’s Protection

Young woman fed up with the nonsense

If a woman is done, she’s done.  You can’t placate a woman to take you back.  She knows your character.  She knows who you are in some instances better than you do!  If a woman loves you unconditionally, through all of your mess, she’s all-in.  When that bond is broken, for whatever reason, it’s often hard to repair.  Even when you have truly changed and you are 100% sincere, sometimes this revelation can come one day too late and there’s nothing you can do about it.

My client is one of those in an irreparable situation.  It’s tough and it sucks, but you have to move on.  People in serious relationships that end may need a moment to grieve the relationship, but you have better days coming.  Sometimes, good people may simply not be a good match.  If you don’t leave now, you may miss out on what God has that’s better for you.  Looking back on relationships I have had in the past, I realized I learned from each relationship.  It made me a better person going forward and it’s made me a better partner within the context of a relationship.  I hope I contributed to their lives as well.  I know that regardless of past relationships, I’m better where I am now and not where I would have been.  The great thing is, I still know a few of the ladies I dated and they are in great marriages with awesome families and they are where they are supposed to be as well.

The bottom line is if he/she is done, they are done.  Keep it moving.  Have a bit of faith and know that God is still molding the one for you.

The Future is Brighter than the Past

Whatever happened, happened.  It’s over.  It may have been a great relationship, it may have been so-so, or it may have been an ordeal—or a mix of all three.  Let it go, it is finished.  Now it’s time to pick up and continue with our lives.  The good thing is now your tool box is a little heavier.  You know how to respond to more situations.  Take the time to analyze what you did well and what you didn’t do well.  Were you kind?  Considerate?  Did you make her feel secure?  Did you make him feel worthy to be the man in your life?  These are the kinds of questions you want to ask yourself as you transition out of a relationship.  In every facet of life, we take our experiences to the next situation or circumstance to make us better.  Consider your experiences to make good choices in relationships.  Now that you have more experience and wisdom, your future will be brighter as you will have more positive influence in your relationships.

I also feel this is an opportunity for this person to work on their relationship with their kids.  Divorce/Separation is hard on everyone involved, but it’s the most difficult for the kids.  Adults should figure out ways to work together to still allow both parents to be an important part of their children’s lives.  Daddy’s girls don’t stop being Daddy’s girls because of a divorce.  It very important to get the kids to continue strong relationships with their parents for the children’s sake.

You can’t make someone be who you want them to be

I could write an entire book on this subtopic.  This statement has almost become cliché.  The aforementioned client wanted his wife to find it in her heart to reconcile.  For the record, I think all married couples should work to reconcile before divorce.  That said she just didn’t want to do it.  I haven’t talked to her, but from my conversations with him, I’m sure there are a myriad of reasons why she’s done.  He was upset with her for not being open to reconciliation at that point.  That made the relationship even more contentious.  We have to accept that it’s ok for two great people to not be great for each other.  My client had to realize that.  In this case, it was a man, but I really want to point this out to the ladies:  You cannot make a man be someone you want him to be when he hasn’t been that person to you from the first day you met him.  You can’t change him; he’s only going to change on his own.  You can’t turn a couch potato into someone that’s hustling to start a company.  You can’t turn a person who doesn’t have a spiritual walk into a Christian.  These are examples of things he must choose to do.  The same goes for the relationship.  You can’t make someone give you a second chance when they feel you’re on your 45th chance.

I started this by saying the message is positive.  The ultimate message is we all make mistakes.  We’re all going to come up short in the eyes of our spouse/significant other.  Find ways to do everything in your power to Love, Honor and Respect them.  Control what you can control.  After you know you have done all you can do and you have put in the hard work, time and effort, step back and evaluate where you need to be.  You deserve the best life has to offer.  If this is not the best, then maybe you will find rejection may actually position you for a promotion.

 

Jay Hurt © 2013

About the Author ()

Jay Hurt is the author of The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship-for Singles. Personal experience, a liberation through faith and an appreciation for his perspective led Jay to share his insight on relationships. Dealing with challenging topics by confronting them with faith and common sense, Jay aspires to share wisdom to help others become fulfilled and blessed in their relationships. Jay lives in Nashville, TN and has two daughters, Kristina and Jalen.

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