Success breeds…contempt?

Filed in Relationships by on June 19, 2010 0 Comments

Ok, I am going to write about every facet of a relationship from time to time. Most of the time, it will be how the 9 tenets and other components “work together for good,” so to speak. This time, I want to take a different approach. I want to talk about how important it is for both parties to want to be successful.

Successful by definition would assume both parties in a relationship would want to be “successful.” Definitions of successful, by dictionary.com are having a favorable outcome or having something desired or intended. It would seem to go without saying everyone entering a relationship would want a favorable outcome or want something desired or intended. The problem, or maybe better stated, the disconnect is we have different intentions and desires and we don’t communicate them. Let me expound a bit.

This week, I was talking with a female friend who is married with a beautiful family. Her situation is that her husband has the unfortunate circumstance that his field of expertise tends to take him away from his family for months at a time. So she’s not happy as a wife, and she is raising their children without him in the house. There is the challenge of the economy, and the jobs he takes away from the family make enough money to pay the bills and be a provider for the family. Here is where the lack of communication of desires and varying definitions of success come into play. He wants to be a provider, and he is doing that. She wants him closer to her and the family, so he can be a part of the family. Of course, she wants him to be a provider as well, but his thinking is at this point he can only do one or the other.

Let’s work on this problem in reverse, meaning I will share the philosophy of my answer first, then I will work on the problem and solution. I want to share the philosophy first, because it’s so important. Both men and women share the issue of overlooking this important point. Life is about the journeys. It’s not about the plateaus, it’s not about the valleys. Guys can relate in athletics. Winning a championship is almost anti-climatic. Winning is the goal, but you remember the tough games, the heart-breaking losses, the things that make you reach your goal. Women can relate in novels and dramatic shows. The harlequin romance you’re reading isn’t so much about who winds up with who, though that’s the ultimate goal. You read the book because of the passion and fervor of the journey. The twists and turns of the road along the way. I use those examples, because although we see it in our recreation and hobbies, we tend to forget these things where it is most important, in life. For example, you will hear couples say, “we will have kids when we can afford them.” Who can ever afford to have kids?! If that’s the case, no one would have been born beyond Adam and Eve! We have to live the journey. We can’t live looking for external indicators of success.

That’s my philosophy, now on to the ways to rectify the problem. In my friend’s situation, she wants her husband at home. In her case and most cases, to have a successful relationship, he NEEDS to be at home. He should be at home. Of course, there are exceptions, but in this case, either the family needs to move closer to his job, or he needs to be with his family. Success in life is not determined by the house you own or the car you drive, but by the lives you impact. The biggest house will one day exist no more, but the kids impression their father makes on their lives will live with them for a lifetime. My friend’s circumstance is a difficult situation because there are certain bills to be paid, a lifestyle to maintain. If you have made it this far on my blog, remember this point most of all: The woman I will eventually marry, I don’t have to have a certain “lifestyle” to love her. We can live in a cave, and eat shellfish I catch at a stream and we crack on a rock, as long as I’m with her. Being with her is my “success.” Everyone wants to maintain the lifestyle they create for themselves and that’s fine. Also, you want to keep your woman happy as this is important as well. I think every woman will tell us guys that success begins with being there for her. Everything else will revolve around that. When we commit to one another, we commit our lives to each other, not just our money. Make it a point to communicate your desires to one another. Ladies, tell your man what is most important in your relationship with your b/f or your husband of 25 years. Guys, make sure you communicate your desires and your intentions so your woman will know exactly what you want, and exactly what you are trying to do. For my friend, tell your man specifically what you want and what is going to make you happy, because everyone of us, including you, deserve success in our relationships.

About the Author ()

Jay Hurt is the author of The 9 Tenets of a Successful Relationship-for Singles. Personal experience, a liberation through faith and an appreciation for his perspective led Jay to share his insight on relationships. Dealing with challenging topics by confronting them with faith and common sense, Jay aspires to share wisdom to help others become fulfilled and blessed in their relationships. Jay lives in Nashville, TN and has two daughters, Kristina and Jalen.

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